Today, my dear friend Julie Cagwin is guest blogging. You can find out more about Julie on her blog at www.JulieCagwin.blogspot.com.
It seemed as though I was really growing and changing and I was gaining peace. The things that had plagued me so badly for so long had been brought to light and finally after all this time I was finally being able to see myself more and more through the eyes of Jesus. Finally.
But, isn’t that just the way it always is? About the time that you and God have tackled one thing, another thing just comes along side. And I guess, in the past I let it come along side of me and then consume me. Instead of going through it, conquering yet another stronghold, I have let these “things” grip me and hold me captive. I can see the pattern, starting since I was 9 years old. Rather than facing it head on, I tucked it deep in my heart, into places that only I knew were there; deep, deep down. Hidden (or so I thought)
As I grew up I was a very outgoing. I still am. I like people. I like talking. I like interacting. So to many, I came across as confident; someone with a great self esteem. Someone who could face just about anything head on. But I wasn’t. If you told me I was good, I would battle it with “well it is because it is easy… anyone could do that.” If you told me I was a good mom I would tell you that I was only doing what I was supposed to do. EVERYTHING to me was a “just because”. NOTHING in me was whole.
It was funny really; funny to me at least. People never believed me when I would tell them that I was insecure. Maybe because I said it in such a light hearted manor, or maybe because I hid it I don’t know. But I hid it; or so I thought. I know there were times that the reactions and actions of me SHOUTED my insecurities out in to the open.
I was able to go through life and function. I always would tell myself that I was who I was, that God messed up and well, someday I would die and it would be better for everyone. I was saved and I heard about how God looked at me, but I just didn’t buy it. I truly thought that when He created me that He really did make a mistake. It wasn’t a teenage ploy for attention – or an adult whining. It was my heart. I thought I was a waste.
It was hard growing up like that and even harder for those who loved me. They tried to reaffirm and reassure me, but they couldn’t do what only GOD could do. They tried, but this was deep, inside my core and what it took to begin to heal should have killed me.
I see who I was when I got married; a broken cup. I wasn’t even partially broke; I was shattered. When I met him, I allowed him to glue me together with love, affirming words and attention. He pieced me back together. But earthly glue can only hold for so long.
Over the next 20 years I used him as my glue. So unfair really. He became the first. The first person that I truly believed with all of my heart. I tried to believe everything he told me. If he told me that I could do it; I believed him and went forward. If he told me I looked good in a certain color, that became the color I wore. More importantly, the one thing I NEVER felt and finally had was this: when he said he loved me, I believed him. I believed he was the first to love me .. the broken me.. all of me.
I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it. But I did believe that he loved me. It was good, for a time. I felt safe, for a time. I felt loved, for a time.
But as God knows, and I grew to learn much later, he couldn’t be for me ALL that I needed. And when it all fell apart my hope was crushed, my life was shattered and that is where God could finally step in.
Finally I realized that what God wanted all along was to fill me. GOD Himself loved me, Julie. AND He loved every part of me. From my hairy arms to my analytical mind and more importantly He would sustain me. Not man; BUT GOD. And I am learning to be content in that.
I am still a work in progress. I am still working on healing that little girl and working through much of what Satan tried to rob from me. But now I look at God as my source and my hope. Man can’t; it isn’t really even fair to ask him to. But GOD can. I have felt it, experienced it and I know it to be true.
The broken me is has scars, but they sit as a reminder of how far He and I have come. I don’t want to forget really. I want Him to use it; to use it all to bring GLORY to Him. That is His plan. We just have to get on board with Him so He can bring His perfect will in our lives to completion.