Friends, today my guest is a new friend of mine, Denise Pass. I thought you would enjoy some wisdom from her new book Shame Off You: From Hiding to Healing.
“The day started off well. You fixed a healthy breakfast, even had devotion time with your children and popped dinner in the crockpot. Then suddenly there you are smack dab in the middle of everyone’s parenting 101 drama location – the grocery store – and someone’s kid is giving their very best performance ever. Almost had you convinced, too. Only it was your kid—and you know better.
Everyone knows the protocol. Shame the parent. That’s right. Then shame the kid. The characteristic furrowed brow and judgmental stares around you heighten the pressure. You’ve got to do something. Anything.
As all eyes are on you to see what you are going to do, sweet glistens on your forehead and you try to come up with either a courageous, wise response or an escape plan. There is no winning this episode of histrionics brought to you by your child’s exhibition of flesh. Threats hissed underneath your breath are totally visible and audible to those around you and your kid probably knows that they are going to get their way because of the power of shame. Or not.
Shame might be a motivator to those who worry about the opinions of others, but a wise parent has learned that shame is not what matters most. Character is. But still the surrounding culture of shame can apply some significant pressure. How do parents parent their children without shame?
Skip the drama. And its shame.
Rather than joining in the heightened sense of drama created by our child and those around us, we can choose not to participate. That’s right. Be more mature. In a confident and firm tone, parents can take command of situations without caving. Even when the drama ensues. Instead of allowing the shame we feel to control us, we can courageously face the shame and examine it, instead.
What does this look like? It means we search for the root – the real cause of the sin/shame, and don’t just correct the surface behavior of our children or ourselves. We choose to bravely and confidently correct our children rather than pacifying their behavior to try and save face. Ultimately, we are choosing to help form their character and ours when we don’t heed shame’s voice and seek to parent from a place of honor. We are called to shape our children’s character for the glory of God—not for our glory.
When we are faithful to teach our children even when shame abounds, we leave the results to God and let go of any shame we feel for choices our children will make in the future, too. There is no shame when the motivation for our parenting is in seeking God’s glory. No longer gripped with the fear of other people’s judgement for our children’s behavior and our response, we simply love our children where they are at and give them the guidance they need, as well. Shame Off you, parents. Our parenting was never about us in the first place.”
Today, Denise’s publisher is giving away a copy of Shame Off You to one of my readers! To enter for an opportunity to win, simply say, “I’m in!” in the comments below. (If you are reading this via email, please go to my blog to post your comment by clicking here. We will randomly choose a winner on Thursday, October 4th and share those results here.
This giveaway is now completed. Our winner is Amber who posted on October 3rd at 7:09 p.m. Congrats, Amber!
Conference speaker, author, Christian CCM artist and worship leader, Denise Pass delivers a passionate, authentic message through “Seeing Deep Ministries”.
Denise’s message comes from her own personal experiences which have given her a heart of compassion to help heal others and point them to hope in God’s word. Denise is the author of Shame Off You, 31 Days to Hope Reinvented, and an award-winning songwriter.
The mother of five children whom she home educated, (4 in college), Denise lives near Fredericksburg, VA with her husband, works as an executive assistant and leads worship at her home church. You can find Denise’s books, music and podcast at: www.denisepass.com, a cozy place on the web where visitors find healing and grace.