Why You are the Best Person to Talk to Your Daughter about Sex


I’m sharing an exciting excerpt today from the new book: Girls Uncovered: New Research on What America’s Sexual Culture Does to Young Women. 


When it comes to influencing children, parents have a number of advantages over peers, schools, churches, or even media. First, parents have been “connecting” with their girls since before birth. Parents have a unique relationship with their children that can help in communicating difficult topics. Remember, parents are with their children year after year. No one else is—not teachers, not youth workers, no one. In one sense, this long-term relationship earns parents the right to communicate values to their children. Further, parents can take into account their adolescent’s particular personality and sensitivities, as well as maturity—socially, emotionally, physically, and morally.


Unfortunately, there seems to be less communication between parents and their daughters about sexual issues than there used to be.[i] Don’t let that happen in your home. It is your job to make it happen. Studies also show that discussions about sexual issues between parent and child often do not take place until after the child has already begun having sex.[ii]


Communicate Family Standards


Family standards are very important. Young people often do not know we expect of them about sex and sometimes feel that they are getting mixed messages. For example, if their mothers discuss birth control, they may think that their mothers approve of their having sex. So it is important that parents be clear about their expectations. If they expect their child to be abstinent, they need to say this clearly.[iii]


Be clear and specific in your guidance. The following are a few suggestions to tell your daughter, and you can add your own. We could have added a hundred more to this list.


  • Remaining a virgin until marriage is realistic, and it is the standard of our home.
  • STIs are a big deal.
  • Pregnancy is a big deal—it will change your life forever.
  • We do not approve of contraceptives for you until you are married.
  • Others may not tell you the truth. Teachers, websites, and books may assert that you can have sex without worry. We will always tell you the truth.
  • Sex before marriage is sexist—it generally hurts the girl far more than it does the guy.
  • The burden of setting the standards, therefore, falls on you. You must protect yourself to ensure your best chance of achieving your potential of health, hope, and happiness.
  • We expect appropriate modesty.
  • Parties with alcohol are off limits.
  • It is never too late to abstain.
  • Sex has a much deeper meaning than its mere physical act.
  • You will never be alone. You will always have me/us!


Repeat…and Relax


After all this comes the really hard part. You can’t just dump this information on her and then move on. This message must be repeated—and repeated again. One study of teens and mothers showed that 73 percent of one group of mothers strongly agreed with the statement, “I have talked with my teen about sex,” while only 46 percent of the teens strongly agreed that “My mother has talked to me about sex.”[iv] This shouldn’t be a surprise. Authorities in parent-child communication emphasize the necessity of frequent repetition of your messages. They also emphasize, as we suggest above, that our messages contain valid information, delivered with clear expectations.[v]


These are some of the things you can do to help your daughter grow into the healthy, mature woman you both want her to be. And here is a final word: Relax. Your responsibility is great. So is your influence.


Excerpted with permission from Northfield Publishing from chapter ten of Girls Uncovered (Northfield Publishing, 2012) by Joe McIlhaney, Jr., MD, and Freda McKissic Bush, MD with Stan Guthrie. Dr. McIlhaney and Dr. Bush are board-certified obstetrician/gynecologists with daughters of their own.


I’m giving away a copy today of Girls Uncovered. To be entered in this give away, just click on comments below (or if you get this by email, head to my website @ www.LynnCowell.com and share if you have talked with your child about sex and if so, was it hard? I can’t wait to hear from you! I’ll share the winner of this terrific book Wednesday at the bottom of my Wednesday Wisdom Tip post.

[i] A.C. Robert, F.L. Sonenstein. Adolescents’ Reports of Communication with Their Parents About Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Birth Control: 1988, 1995, and 2002. Journal of Adolescent Health 2010; 46:532-537.

[ii] M.K. Beckett, M.N. Elliott, S. Martino, D.E. Kanouse, R. Corona, D.J. Klein, M.A. Schuster. Timing of Parent and Child Communication About Sexuality Relative to Children’s Sexual Behaviors. Pediatrics 2010; 125:34-42.

[iii] P.J. Dittus, J. Jaccard. Adolescents’ Perception of Maternal Disapproval of Sex: Relationship to Sexual Outcomes. Journal of Adolescent Health 2000; 26:268-278.

[iv] J. Jaccard, P.J. Dittus, V.V. Gordon. Parent-Teen Communication About Premarital Sex: Factors Associated With the Extent of Communication. Journal of Adolescent Research 2000; 15:187-208.

[v] S.S. Feldman, D.A. Rosenthal, eds. Talking Sexuality: Parent-Adolescent Communication: New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, No. 97. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass; 2002:25-29.



  1. My daughter is only 9 so thankfully we have not had “the talk” yet. I’ve recently asked her if she wanted to talk about sex, she replied no. But I told her that when she was ready we were here to talk, but that she should know that whatever she is being told about it at school is probably wrong.

  2. Terri Schramm says:

    My daughter and I talk about the importance of purity.
    She is very open to listen. It is important to me to look for guidance through books like these.

  3. This subject is weighing heavily on my mind right now because I feel the time is quickly approaching to start talking about it with my daughter. I would love to have this book as a help! 🙂

  4. Susan Spina says:

    Thanks for the important list to use it will help me cover all the things to share with my daughter.

  5. We have talked to our daughter about sex and she knows we want her to remain pure from sex and physical contact (maybe handholding and hugging is ok) until her wedding night. However, I’m always looking for more angles we can use to drive this point home. Girls face so much pressure from media and at school that they can sometimes feel behind the curve and left out if they haven’t done what everyone else does. That is when sex becomes “just” a physical activity to do with someone…anyone.

    Thanks Lynn 🙂

  6. I have two daughters (16 & 11) and a step-daughter (10). We have talked with them about sex and drill purity and modesty into them. It is so hard when they have other parents who have other standards for them…but as for the time they are with us, they know where we stand and we pray that God would fill their hearts with the truth. Always looking for new resources to share with them.

  7. Lisa Parauka says:

    I have spoken with my daughter (14) about sex; as recently as last Sunday, during a Sunday School class that my husband and I teach together. It is difficult. It’s difficult because it’s of utmost importance and you don’t want to get it wrong!

  8. Lynn,
    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR BOLDNESS! Thank you for being obedient to God using you in a radical way. Your topics on your blog encourage me so much! I am saying a special prayer for you today because the enemy doesn’t like it when we take stands like this one! God will bless your obedience!
    I am also a mother of 3 daughters (13, 9, and 7.) We are beginning this journey now. The best advice that you gave that has been my soap box when sharing and encouraging other mothers is the relax…then repeat! Don’t just say – we’ve had the talk. Keep having the talk.

    1. Amy…just can’t thank you enough for your encouragement. I feel so weary today. I was reminded in Jesus Calling (actually it is for January 7th) that being in battle makes us weary. I so appreciate your prayers. I so need them for my writing, speaking and just being a good wife and mother. THANK YOU!!!!

  9. My daughter and I do talk about sex, my daughter is currently wearing a silver purity ring and openly states her committment to waiting. Some of my adult friends thought laugh and think I am being unrealistic, I feel sorry for them because I don’t think they are letting their daughters know how important it really is.

  10. I have not done enough talking, simply because it does make me uncomfortable, I hate to admit. I am looking forward to reading this book for inspiration and direction. My daughter is worth a little discomfort in order to keep her as safe as possible. Thank you for encouraging us.

    1. Friend, One thing I have discovered is the more I talk about it, the easier it is. My best advice is to start by talking when you aren’t looking at each other i.e. in the car, on a walk, etc. Eye contact makes things more intimidating.

      Also, watch shows together…you’ll be sure to find some conversation starters with just about any show that’s available to teens!

  11. We have 3 daughters ages 13, 11 & 7. I have talked to all of them about sex in different ways.. at different times. We started out when they were young, reading a series by Focus on the Family that talks about Gods design for sex & marriage. I found it very helpful in giving age appropriate information in the early talks. Now, with my 13 year old, I am having almost daily discussions on boys, dating, modesty, purity, etc, etc, etc..
    I am so thankful that we have a foundation we can build on, because some days it can be so hard to get her to talk to me about anything! 🙂 I am really thankful that there are resources, like this book, available for days like those.. Thank you!

  12. Adrianne H says:

    I have a daughter who is 13 and we have open conversations about sex. I personally did not have those talks with my mother, and I have from the very beginning of my daughters journey into woman hood, been very open and honest, and receptive. I feel that I have to let my daughter know not just the pressure about purity, but also about all the things in society that lie to our youth now about their innocence. I am very thankful too that my daughter sees and respects her body.

  13. Mary Anne says:

    Oh, I wish my mother would have been much more upfront and firm about this subject with my sister and I. I fortunately, was blessed to have listened and too scared to make mistakes. My sister on the other hand, has really suffered from the experiences she has had. I will talk to my girls, often and intentionally. I would love to read this book! 🙂

  14. Jessica R. says:

    We have talked a little. She is my step-daughter and it adds a little tougher dynamic. I try to allow her mom to do those things b/c she gets pretty upset and thinks I am trying to “take over” I don’t want her to feel that way, but I do want to be sure she is getting the information in a good, correct form.

  15. I talk constantly to my daughter and her friends about purity and the importance of maintaining their virginity according to God’s design. I am also a youth leader for high school girls and desperately try to spread this truth versus the world’s view on sex and dating!

  16. My daughters are 8 and 5, but I am getting prepared!

  17. I have twins (boy/girl) age 12 and yes I have talked with them both about sex. Both togehter and privately. I still question what i’ve said to them…is it enough information at their age and such. It is a very hard subject. But as a single mom i want to be open and honest as I can be with them while also trying to live a morally, honest life in front of them. I hope/pray that some of my decisions i’ve made as a single woman will help them on their journey throughout their teen years. To realize that we can set standards and boundaries and follow them regardless of age, or what others may think.

    1. Sheila, I didn’t talk to my son half as much as I have talked to my girls…sure wish I did.

  18. I am just preparing myself to take to my younger daughter about growing up and sex . I have a college age daughter which we have had an open and honest relationship. I want my 10 year old to be modest and to wait for marriage to have sex.

  19. My daughter is only 6 yrs old. But I am already very open and honest about what we expect from her. Although we haven’t gone into “GREAT” detail yet, I do plan to have a very open and honest relationship with her. Not for thinking its okay but for the openess of thoughts, questions and concerns. Once she is around 13 or so I do plan to introduce a diamond purity band to her to explan the importance of staying pure and what God expects out of her. Without a good form of communication all can be lost.
    I am always looking for great resources to read so when the time does come I will be better prepared. Thank you for being another go to source for that!

  20. I am a single woman with no children, and I found your book through Proverbs 31. It interested me because last summer I took a graduate course called Human Sexuality through a seminary. This class opened my eyes to how twisted the view of sexuality and sexual purity is in our culture. I wrote a presentation for single women designed to help them see themselves through God’s eyes and to warn them of the emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences of sex outside of marriage. I long to have children some day, but nothing scares me more than helping them understand God’s purpose and views of sex when daily we are bombarded by the wrong messages. I would love to read this book and share it with my professor!

    1. Wow, Pam! This generation needs women like you!

  21. I am terrified
    I have no clue when or how to talk to my children about sex
    My daughter is 7 and my sons are 4 and 2

    1. Michelle, there are so many good resources; you don’t have to be afraid! Start now with Dannah Gresh’s “Secret Keeper Girl”. It makes it super easy with dates to do with your girl. When you start talking early, it will be a natural thing when your girls are my girls’ age. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

  22. Stephanie says:

    I have two daughters who are not yet teenagers. We have not had the talk about sex . This book would be a great tool in helping prepare me for this very important conversation with my daughters. At what age do you recommend a mother have this talk with her daughter?

  23. I personally have been struggling with discussing this topic with my daughter, who will be 8 in a few weeks. I know that now is the time to start introducing that subject, but I don’t want to provide her with more information than is necessary. I will add, I think it can be just as emotionally painful for boys as girls to have premarital sex. There is alot of emotional attachment that comes with that sort of relationship. I pray that my son decides to wait, as well as my daughter. I know all to well the emotional carnage that comes from not waiting.

  24. my daughter is almost 9. I dread having “the talk” with her, but know it’s something I have to do. Not sure how to discuss this with her (or her younger brother), but I really want them to wait until marriage. This book sounds like a must read for me.

  25. Would LOVE some resources about this topic. I have 7 children and I will be needing to do the “talk” very soon! Sounds like an awesome book!

  26. Brenda S. says:

    My daughter is 4 and I look forward to reading this book and doing my part to instill our values and a healthy respect for the gift of sex that God has given us. She is a treasure. But we also have 2 treasured sons 8, and 7. Any book recommendations about how and when to talk to the boys about sex? I think the time is drawing near on that one!

    1. I bet Dr. Dobson’s “Raising Boys” would cover that!

  27. I have not addressed it yet with any of my girls but want to read your book so I can start. My oldest is 8 so I know the time is coming.

  28. As a mom of 2 younger girls (9 &6) this message is perfect. Already my husband and I have started talking about things with our oldest boy (11) because he is getting msgs from outside our home and often they are not the same as what we are teaching. Can’t wait for my library to get a copy.

  29. Karen Robey says:

    Like Kerry M. above, my daughter is 9 and I have not talked to her yet but I’m not going to be able to put it off much longer. She has precocious puberty and is currently on medication to stop her development. Due to financial circumstances, we will not be able to continue this medication when it expires this August. Once she is no longer on the medication, puberty will descend quickly and I want her to be prepared to deal with her changing body and the attention it might bring from “older” boys in her school.

  30. My daughter is only 15 months old, but I know how very important this conversation is going to be. And I don’t want the same “here’s a book. Do you have questions?” conversation I had with my mother. I think it is just so important to express why God wants us to wait until marriage and that God created it to be enjoyable, for husband and wife!!

  31. I, too, am about to embark on this journey with my developing 9-year-old. I’m not ready to talk about sex yet, but certainly about her body changes, and let her lead the way with questions. It’s going to be hard, though – coming from a public health education career, talking about sex (working with prevention – of teen pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, etc) was just a part of our daily work…not so easy with my young daughter, when I want my perspective to be Godly (abstinance) and not worldly (protection) – especially knowing the worldly statistics!

  32. Lynn,
    I simply adore you! Thank you sooo much for being so obedient to God as you are such a blessing to me, as I’m sure many other Mothers! I haven’t had the talk yet as much daughter is only 9 but she is maturing so quickly that I believe the time is soon approaching us! HELP!!!!! I don’t even know where to begin in that conversation!!! /:

    1. Kerri, some great resources for “the talk” are Focus on the Family’s Preparation for Adolescence and Family Life Today’s Passport to Purity. With both of my girls, we planned a fun weekend…shopping, siteseeing in a town a couple of hours from home…so that the talk was wrapped inside a great time. My girls still remember it as a very special time for us. I was so thankful for the help!

  33. Jennifer Warner says:

    I would love! to have this book! My daughter is almost 9 & we recently had “the talk” but I would love to read this book & get other ideas on how to continue the conversation with her & keep the conversation going over the next several years we have ahead!

  34. Ann Gustafson says:

    I have slowly been talking to my daughter about sex as she is hitting puberty. We started out light and have gotten into more detail about her body as she has gotten older. She is 11 now and all the girls at school are already talking about it, so we do talk often but we haven’t gotten into the specifics like your list suggested. I bet the book is really good and would love to read it.

    My mother didn’t talk to me about it at all, all I knew I learned from kids at school.

  35. Teresa Minick says:

    As a Ex. Dir of a pregnancy crisis center I am always giving lectures to classes about Sex…however I refuse to allow my 3 daughters to go to the Sex education classes provided in a group setting at the schools they attend. THAT IS MY JOB! Let me tell you – even though I do this on a regular basis it is still hardest with my own children. When I teach in a classroom I always teach with the thought of how much would I want my daughters to hear from someone else teaching. Also I make it very clear if there are young men in the class that I dont agree with talking about sex in front of gentlemen and so I won’t teach that way. We discuss more on a level of morals and self value. Love the information you gave and cant wait to read more!
    God Bless

    1. Teresa, I am so excited…I am doing my first “Revolutionary Love” conference partnering with a Crisis Pregnancy Center in March. Love this new connection!

  36. I have started about a year ago talking to my daughter about sex but could use all the info I can get! I want that open relationship with my kids. What age do you suggest starting to talk with kids? My daughter is 10 but I also have a son age 7 and another daughter age 6?

    1. Britany – I don’t see it as an age thing, but a maturity thing. With girls, when they start to develop, don’t wait. You want the awesome design God created to be shared with your girl from YOU and not from the playground (that’s where I learned about it).

  37. My daughters are 9 and 4 and I have started talking with my 9 year old – about 2 or 3 casual conversations so far. Just the very basics. I would enjoy seeing what this book has to say!

  38. Catherine says:

    My daughter entered middle school and I’ve briefly had this talk. I’m a bit of a prude, but realize it needs to be discussed – not because of her, but because of who might try to get her to do something…..

  39. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. We have had several conversations about purity and sex, as well as keeping your heart guarded. I don’t know that I have had a conversation strictly about sex though… it would be nice to have some ideas to help explain the physical, not just the emotional and spiritual side of things.

    My younger daughters are 5 and 3. I have had some conversations with our 5 year old about gender and how we are physically different. We have horses, so she has seen things in the “natural” world that can be good learning tools when teaching about gender especially. Our 5 year old’s questions sometimes really catch me off guard, and it can be difficult to answer them off the cuff.

  40. My 9 year old knows that modesty is important and that she doesn’t need a boyfriend. We haven’t talked about sex specifically, but we do talk regularly about growing up topics. I’m sure our ‘talk’ is right around the corner.

  41. I have 3 girls of which the oldest is 8 1/2. I have not started talking about sex. But I have heard that 4th grade is kind of the magical year where if they haven’t heard something from you, they will at school! She will be in 4th grade in the fall. Yikes!

  42. I have 3 girls, the oldest just turned 10. We’ve had some very basic discussions. This is definately one area that I want to get right!

  43. I have two girls, 5 and 7, and we have talked about the basic differences between boys and girls, and the importance of modesty. While we haven’t brought up the specifics of sex, we have discussed the kind of man God would want them to marry, what courtship is like, etc. I’ve always been very open with them when they have questions about anything, and my hope is that when the time comes sex would just be another conversational topic that would flow out naturally and without embarrassment.

  44. Kelly Green says:

    Awesome! I have 3 daughters, ages 12, 7 and 7 and I have talked with my 12 year old. I encourage her to be open and ask questions. We also have talked with our 7 year olds about modesty, etc. I figure the more they hear about it from us the better off they will be. It’s awesome to share with them that you don’t have to be like everybody else.

  45. My oldest is almost 7 and due to some unwanted exposure at school (which caused us to homeschool) we have had to discuss some things with her before we wanted to. She is pretty mature for her age which made the conversation go much easier.

  46. Stephanie Millhouse says:

    I was literally just clicking around the internet trying to find a book or article on how to talk to my daughter about sex. She asked me this morning for the first time, “what is a virgin”. I froze. The only thing I could think of to say was “It means you’re not married and have not been in an intimate relationship yet”. Fortunately for me, she took that answer and moved on. She is only 8 and I’m not sure what the appropriate age is to have this conversation and how to start it. This book could help me a lot!

  47. I have taken the opportunity to talk about things as the topics arise. But no details have been discussed. We have talked about keeping pure for God, we have talked about dressing modest. We have talked about the changes in her body. And we have talked about how babies come from the mom’s bellies. We have talked about the importance to be married in order to have babies. But like I said, not anything with details.
    She recently learned in a video they showed in church about eggs and the fallopian tubes. But that’s about it.
    She’s only 8, but she’s been showing puberty signs since 7, and so we had to talk about her body changing. I’m afraid she might get her period at a early age, and I have no clue how to proceed with the sex talk. I have been looking for a book like this that has Christian values.

  48. My daughters are 7 and 9. Have not had the talk yet, but I know that the time is near. Can’t wait to read the book for advice!

  49. My daughter is approaching 7, we discuss modesty and true beauty. I obviously have not begun talking about sex with her but want to be proactive in garnering wisdom from others on how to do this so that when the time comes I’ll be prepared. I also have two neices who are older than my daughter which mean she may be susceptible to learning about things before her time.

  50. KM Lorenz says:

    I have 6 children: 2 sons, then 3 daughters, then last son. I have been BOLD and blatant, and intentional and sometimes crass about talking sex with my children. When I’d get on them about their conversation, and they’d carelessly use society’s ‘white-washed’ terms for derogatory remarks, including sex, I’d take it all the way down to the real terms for the acts. Then I tell them, it’s NOT a joke, it’s NOT dirty, GOD MADE IT. This is how he made it for keeps! We’ve used Eric & Leslie Ludy’s books, Every Man (&young man & young woman, etc)’s Battle for Sex, Hero, Kay Arthur’s book The TRUTH about SEX, etc. WONDERFUL tools. The ways people dress has been great tools for our young men & women. (THIS mama had her heart-to-heart talk the night before first-born son’s wedding.) I’ve been the one to warn our daughters how to dress not to provoke thoughts and what exactly those type of thoughts are. My girls would be aghast; then I’d share again, God’s plans. We’ve watched Mark Gungor’s videos on marriage. Now my daughters and I have pretty frank discussions. We are all still a bit embarrassed, because quite frankly, it makes us more vulnerable to each other. The frosting on top of the cake is the affection my husband and I display – the hugs & kisses, the loving pats as we go by each other, the winks & giggles we still give each other, thirty years later. Yes, we have those heated moments that the children see, too, but the children see us make-up and have even heard their parent apologize to the children if she or he spoke harshly to the other. Keeping this subject OPEN shows the young women AND young men that they, too, can enjoy a wonderful life INSIDE the confines of marriage…It’s a great life!

  51. My girls are 5 & 1, so I have a little while until we have to have the talk. But I want to be really prepared and want them to hear it from me first. Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I was a middle school & high school teacher. I couldn’t believe how young kids are having sex. We had an 8th grader with a baby and had to ban the kids wearing rubber bracelets that indicated how far they were willing to go. In a world where sex is being promoted as casual, I want to be extra vigilant in protecting the innocence of my daughters.

  52. summer Swayngham says:

    I had the joy of explains to my five year old what sex was not in kindergarten!!! Yes, that’s right I said kindergarten! Wow, way earlier than I thought I’d have to have “the talk” so early! But, it has opened up the world of communication between us and her younger sister & brother! Now, we are getting prepared to have the “what happens when you see red ” before school starts next year. Please pray for us that we have the wisdom & words from God to explain it the way He intends it!!

  53. My daughter is now 14 and ripe for this discussion. Thank you for your research on this issue.

  54. I have two daughters, ages 15 and 16. My husband and I began talking to them about sex among other topics at an early age. It paved the way for very open communication in our home. Both of our girls are comfortable coming to either one of us with questions and continued guidance. It instilled in both of them very early on a desire to maintain purity; it is a on-going conversation. I believe the older they get the more important it is. I might also metion that we are a blended family; our girls have been sisters since they were 3 and 4; being able to have open communication in our home has made our family even closer.

  55. Perfect timing to see this book and post. My daughter just turned 8 and started looking into how to approach this subject. I know I want to get the right information to be better prepared. It’s so important that our children hear it from us, the parents, and then keep the door of communication open.

  56. My van comes with a declaimer to new riders: ” There is no subject we wont discuss and all subjects can be discussed with me here or anywhere”. I have three daughters and a son (ages 15-20) I have given that speech so many times I can’t remember. Because I am open with sex talks in the van with the girls, their friends are willing to talk to me too. I encourage all kids to talk to their folks first!
    I praise the Lord that all 4 of my children have made the right choices about sex, but I also let them know that I had my biggest mistakes in my mid 20’s, but God also forgives.

  57. I have a 2 month old baby girl (our first girl in a line of boys!) i and already realizing i will have to do the “talk” one day. my mom did not do the talk with me and i wish she would have! so i am determined my daughter will learn from myself and God what purity is all about! We also do foster care and are getting ready to adopt one of our girls. she is 15 and unfortunatly life taught her about sex. however we are talking about what God has for her. I wish i had more wisdom as a mother for her. We are both learning. And hopefully along the way she will find that God is the ultimate healer.

  58. I have had more freqeunt talks with my daughter as we prepare to send her off to college in the fall. I need her to understand that she will be exposed to new and different situations, and pray that she has the strength to stand up for what she believes

  59. armsoutstretched says:

    We have not had ‘the talk,’ but I’m laying the groundwork; never will I allow my daughter to treat femininity carelessly, or fail to understand that the miracle of life can NOT be reduced to a ‘treatable medical condition’ and that the marital act is just that an expression for the sacrament of marriage…
    My preschooler and I have watched my ultrasound video of when I carried her to show how AMAZING it is to be a woman and what a TREMENDOUS blessing it is to carry a baby right next to your heart.
    I proudly display my maternity photos and we’ve talked about how God made people and the intent of his design for marriage/family and we LOVE this book which has a great section for older kids too: “The Wonderful Way That Babies are Made” by Larry Christenson

  60. My girls are 9 & 11 and I know it’s time to have to the talk…I just don’t know where to begin! The lines of communication are open and I think they will be receptive. I believe I have been hesitant because I don’t know how much information is TOO much. Do you tell them everything? Do you go into great detail? How do you speak truth knowing that at some point in the near future, the outside world/friends will be filling their minds with lies and deception? My mother had “the talk” with me once and then that was it. Subject closed. I want it to be different with my girls and I want to handle this situation delicately, seriously, openly and in a godly manner.

    1. Lynne – check out Focus on the Family’s Preparation for Adolescence and Family Life Today’s Passport to Purity. I used Focus’s materials as well as Dannah Gresh’s Secret Keeper Girl…great stuff!

  61. I talk to my 14-year-old daughter all the time. Sometimes she seems embarrassed at how open I am. But I know that I had a severe disadvantage at her age because not only did my mother not talk to me, I was terrified to go to her. I want my daughter to know there is no topic that is too difficult or taboo to discuss.

    I have to believe that despite how uncomfortable she sometimes is, one day she will look back on this and appreciate the conversations we had.

  62. That’s for sharing these truths to help bless and protect our young girls and women!

  63. I have a 14 year old daughter and have continually been open and honest with her in talking about sex, relationships, etc. I’m a single parent and was a teen mom. She is very aware of the struggles I go through each & every day raising her all alone. I have always driven home the point that waiting is so much easier than raising a child as a teen on your own. I think my experience and our experience together has helped her see that it’s a much better idea.

    So thankful to you Lynn for all of your encouragement through this website! His Revolutionary Love is AMAZING!!! Keep up the amazing work!

    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement Devin! I am so glad that the Lord is using sharing my walk with all of you!

  64. Oh, Lynn. I just love the heart you have for girls and the passion you exude for sharing Godly principles! You have helped me so much, and so many times with my daughter. You just don’t know!!

    I haven’t had the talk with B yet. I thought we would a couple months ago when she asked what a virgin was… But when it came time, she said she didn’t want to know yet. She could wait until she was older. At first, I wanted to push the issue because from her answer I felt like she knew something and I wanted to know what she’d been told or heard. Then I realized, I don’t need to push. God will open the door when He knows she’s ready.(thats my prayer at least.) I’ve been in prayer so I’M READY too.lol However, I do know it’s coming soon. I’m almost glad so we can get the ‘first’ talk out there.

  65. My oldest daughter is 8. In the second semester of 2 nd grade we had to have the talk! A friend of hers told her about a pornographic magazine she had seen. My daughter was so appalled by what she had been told that she started telling me in the car in front of her younger siblings. Once I realized what she was going to say I quickly told her to wait until we got home to discuss it. Her dad and I spoke with her and told her that god created things sex for only husbands and wives and that it was a good thing, not bad. We did not go in depth but just enough to let her know what she saw was only for marriage. We told her we were very proud that she came to us and to always feel free to ask us anything. I couldn’t believe we had to discuss it so early but so thankful for the opportunity to teach her biblical truths from us. I called the girl’s mom to let her know and she was very apologetic it. She was aware and her daughter had seen it at their neighbors house two years prior. I am just so thankful she came to us and we were able to give her truth.

    1. You are blessed that she told you Ashley!

  66. Michelle D says:

    Thank you for this post. I have 3 girls, ages 15, 12, & 9. I have emphasized modesty & purity since they were very young. I have also used the Passport to Purity material with my oldest daughter and will go thru it with my 12 year old this spring. I have strugged, though, with having more in depth conversations with my oldest daughter. HIs Revolutionary Love, along with this one you’ve written about today will be my next step.

    1. Great, Michelle! Be sure to get the free leadership guide under “freebies” on my site!

  67. Lynn,
    I am so excited about this book! My daughter is 13 yrs old and we have had the talk w/the help of a series of books that a friend w/older girls recommended, however, I would love to use more resources w/my daughter as she gets older and has more detailed questions. We just had a talk the other day about condoms and I felt a little unprepared for that question, but did the best I could. I think I stumbled and stammered quite a bit, but just felt unprepared for that one. So many of my daughter’s friends are starting the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships already, at 13 adn 14 yrs old!!! Wow, that scares me. My daughter is not mentioning an interest in that yet, but I know she is getting a lot of details and mixed messages from these girls. It scares me, since she is at the age where friends seem better to talk to than Mom.
    I love, love, love your heart for our girls. It really encourages me. She and I are going to go through His Revolutionary Love very soon!

    1. Yeah Melissa! Make sure you get all of the “freebies” to go with the book on my website. Just click on “freebies”.

  68. Christy j says:

    I recently had my 4th daughter, and I agree that this is a very crucial part of our training of them. It is especially important in a society such as ours that sends such a constant barrage of overly sexualized images and messages. Purity is reasonable and possible. For our girls to grasp this and other truths, there must be a meaningful relationship between mother and daughter that creates the proper environment for impactful communication of values. Even still, some girls avoid the topic like death!

    Thanks for sharing. Looks like a great book!

  69. Tish Burnett says:

    My daughter isn’t quite old enough for this discussion yet but I with the help of this book I will be ready. I had my son at 16 and it was a very rough road. I know that if my mom would have had God in her life and been able to fuel me with the self esteem needed I could have avoided many obstacles. I wouldn’t trade my life or my son or the lessons I have learned. But I want so much better for my beautiful daughter.

  70. My daughter is 13 and I started talking to her when she was 9. We are very open with each other about these subjects! There are times when she asks a question that I not sure how to answer. I think every mother should be open and blunt about sex and everything that goes with it.

  71. My daughter just turned 11 and I haven’t had “the talk” with her, yet. I have to say I am dreading it! I plan to do it this summer. Hopefully, after the initial talk, later conversations will be easier. I’m just praying for strength, wisdom and guidance right now.

  72. I have 9 children-2 are teenage daughters(16 & 14 ) . I have taken them to a purity event but haven’t actually sat down with them face to face. I was a teenage mother & I know that while they may not be wanting a baby any time soon because of the number of siblings they have – there is so much more to this subject than babies! I want to help them be prepared for temptations that will most certainly come in our fallen world. I definitely need Godly direction in this area. Thank you for the chance to win!

  73. My daughter came with a sex question in third grade, to my surprise. We have been talking several times after that, like in the repeat mode you mention. It was scary at the beginning it has gotten easier after that. Every repeat talk I have added bits of information according to her maturity and reinforcing moral values. It has been working so far, now she’s in fifth grade so we’ll see in the future. I’m looking forward for your book’s input.
    My daughter told me girls talk about their biological development in recess and exchange things they haver heard about sex. I have friends with children the same age that think they are too young to know about sex, but their kids are already getting it from different sources. I have even heard that in her class boys and girls are starting to date. Now, that’s scary!

  74. Deb Henkel says:

    We have 3 dds. No, I have not spoken to them about sex yet. I feel that I quickly need to as they are approaching “that age”. This book seems like it would be just what I need to help me say the things that they need to hear. I would love to win this book in order to help them become the women of God that He wants them to be. Thanks

  75. Jennifer Hornback says:

    I just bought Lynn’s book for my daughter, sounds like this is the next one I need to get.

  76. I am a mom of four girls, and the oldest two will be 12 in a couple weeks. We have discussed modesty in depth, but have only touched on sex. I am very interested in this book!

  77. Jennifer Koolstra says:

    Thank you so much for your words of encouragment and wisdom. My daughter just turned 11 and we have had talks about her body, modesty and God’s gift of sex and how it is to be used. I know I can’t talk about this with her too much! My parents talked to me about sex but I know I needed to hear more. The more we talk, the more comfortable it is. I love it how God gives us the perfect times to share with our children.

  78. Valerie Vedder says:

    I love your perspectives! I sure wish my Mother read this book when I was younger. I don’t have daughters yet, but will use these ideas to set clear standards for my son. Thanks for the encouragement and tools!

  79. My heart is heavy with having to have this conversation with my daughter. Although she is 14 years old, she is so innocent and pure and has zero interest at this time in boys. She is homeschooled so probably more sheltered from the fast pace of this world. I never had the talk with my own mother and had to learm on my own. I was too afraid to ask questions. Lately she has seen all the girls on her swim team become extremely interested in boys, seen them changing their values, etc….I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me that it’s time for the talk. I could use all the guidance I can get. This book seems like a wonderful starting point. Thank you so much for all your Godly principles and not the worlds view.

  80. We have talked about sex and it wasn’t nearly as hard as I expected it to be. The very first time, the kids thought it was “yucky”, so that was good. I’m not sure that’s exactly what they think now, but we keep reiterating the importance of abstinence until marriage, so I hope they continue to listen and follow.

  81. rebekah crain says:

    Thank you for this article. My girls are only 8 and 6 now, so this conversation hasn’t come up yet. I know it’s my place, and my husband’s as well, to sit down and have this discussion. However, I am all kinds of nervous. I don’t remember my parents having had the talk with me, but they may have. Either way, I think this book could be very insightful and helpful for me when the time comes. And lord knows it’ll be sooner rather than later as they grow up so fast.

    Thanks for the entry into your giveaway.


  82. I am blessed to be the mother of 3 daughters, 18, 16 and 12. I took each one on the Passport to Purity weekend (by Focus on the Family)… that made it so much easier to have “the talk”… I’m thankful my mom always told me how wonderful sex was – as a married person. I just wish she would have told me more about purity… but as I remember it, I would tell her I didn’t want to hear it… so moms, even if your kids say they don’t want to talk about – do TALK about it.. they are going to hear it from someone, why shouldn’t it be you? I also loved the books by Eric and Leslie Ludy and my 18 year old daughter really liked them as well. There is so much information out there! I also am very open and affectionate with my husband – even after 25 years.. it just gets better… and even though they may act like they don’t like it… I know it gives them a sense of security that their parents do love each other and are committed for life!
    thanks for this encouraging post!

  83. My daughter is going to middle school next year, and I know that I have to discuss the topic of sex with her really soon. I just need to make sure that when I discuss it with her she’ll understand me, and that I’m clear with my explanations, belief, and expectations. I pray that God will give me the words that I need to say,and that she’ll empower and strengthen my daughter to remain virgin until marriage. Your prayer is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

  84. I pray that God will give me the words that I need to say, and that HE will empower and strengthen my daughter to remain a virgin until marriage.

  85. i have a kind of open conversation with my daughter about sex…though with my son it is real hard, we do not have a very open relationship and as a single mom is hard..i try to make the conversation but he shouts me off…he is 12, almost 13

    1. My husband and I are cunrertly using the Love, Sex and Relationships series and co teaching our high school group. We (my husband and I)watch the DVD, study your notes, create our own ppt from them with great pics from the web .and are having a blast with our group of 20 high school youth. In lesson 2 we took the questions and put our youth in small groups had each group answer one question and find couples in the Bible who matched the question then they would report out to the group..for example .what is the difference of walking in love and falling in love .they gave the examples of Mary and Joseph as compared to Samson and Delila .it was great! They are getting it!! Thanks what great resources. Also, this is the first time my husband and I have truly co taught together .and we are having just as much fun

  86. Dory Allen says:

    Hi Lynn – I have 13 and 10 yr. old daughters. I have talked to my older daughter about sex. She is currently taking a health sex-ed class in school. It is very hard to talk to them about this subject. She seems kinda shy or embarrassed to talk about it, but I always try to keep an open dialog about it, asking her about the class and if she has any questions about anything. We have also been reading “Preparing your daughter for Every Women’s Battle”. I find it so frustrating and disappoointing that today’s music and television expose our children to “sexual” inuendo way early. But because of this, we need to talk with our children earlier also. I’d love to read the book and am open to all the guidance I can get. Thank you for all you do, especially for giving so much of yourself to help our girls.

  87. Thank you for your encouragement today. I’ve talked to both my son and daughter since they were very young. They know everything. More than their cousins or friends. I feel it is my job to teach them my values and the truth. Not what the world tells them or thinks is right.
    I would love to read your book. =]

  88. Deb Burroughs says:

    I have both initiated conversations with my daughter and answered her few questions. She is 13 now and I was her maternal grandmother at birth. I adopted her and have never regretted it. It is harder being a mother this time around. It is difficult for me to talk with her about sex because my parents never talked with me about it. However, your emails make it easier! We are both strong Christians active in a church that preaches chastity, so many of our conversations regarding sex are centered on chastity. Her doctor asked me about giving her the HPV vaccination at her last checkup. I refused and explained that we believed in chastity, then had the opportunity on the way home to explain to my daughter just what the vaccine was prevenitng. I am praying that her deep belief in the Lord and her desire to serve Him will strengthen her resolve to remain a virgin until marriage.

  89. andrea stanley says:

    Hard yes it was. And I will continue to talk to heranout it. The hardest part for me was accepting that she wasn’t to young to hear this. We have to have this talk so early with our girls these days.

  90. Hi Lynn,
    I have had the talk with both of my daughters and continue to do so. There are not many books out there that provide families with strong Christian advice on how to have this conversation so I went “old school,” literally. I ordered a book that was written in the 1950’s that talked about the moral importance of love, sex and the changes in the human body from a biblical perspective. It was tastefully done and made the normally awkward conversation much more pleasant. I look forward to reading this book and am encouraged that there are still authors out there willing to write books that help parents and children live a healthy, moral, and Godly life.

  91. I have had this talk with my daughter. I started as she was younger talking about purity. As I prayed for wisdom on when and how to discuss this topic, the Lord placed great books like the preparing your daughter for every woman’s battle by Shannon Ethridge in my hands. This opened the door to questions. I tried to be very open and answer her questions. I definitely agree that is so important for our daughters to get their answeres about sex from us. As uncomfortable as it may be, it is better for them to get the truth from us and always feel like they can talk to us about anything.

  92. April Dangerfield says:

    My daughter is only 7, so we haven’t had any sex talk yet. I do fully intend to, once she’s old enough, and will make sure she knows she can come to me and ask me anything about it. I will do my best to give her the most truthful answer, and I will pray that God will give her the strength to stay pure until marriage.

  93. I am not a mother to a girl- yet I ‘mother’ LOTS of girls each week. My husband is the student minister at a church where we have quite a few students in our youth group. Currently I lead a dgroup of 12 girls and sex is very often a topic of discussion, even when that is not what is on topic… Somehow it always comes up…
    But it is not hard, especially when they are want to talk about it…

  94. Have not had “the talk” – yet. My kids are still young and I dread the day when it comes – but hope to do a better job than my mom. You just didn’t talk about it in our house until you were ready to get married. But i want my daughters to know that they can come to me about anything – especially this! THis book sounds very intriguing and would love to get a copy!

  95. What perfect timing! I have just recently been looking for information and ways to discuss this topic with my daughter. She is 9 1/2 and very open with me. I have initiated conversations about modesty and purity. She has initiated conversations about words such as sexy, passion because she has heard them in lyrics or from friends. I love that she comes to her parents for the source of this information. We have discussed what makes boys attracted to girls and why they kiss. She still has no idea that sex exists. (however, I want to be the one to tell her about it). At this point, she thinks her friends that are boy crazy are silly. She has friends that are both boys and girls and thinks those that make a big deal out of it are just being dramatic. 🙂 I know this topic needs to be addressed soon. I’m waiting for her to be ready and am assessing the situation regularly.

  96. Great to know about this new book! Thanks for sharing!

  97. And yes, I’ve talked to my daughters about sex, from the time they were 8 or so and started asking questions. My oldest happened to read about Lot and his daughters one Sunday morning, so that was how the conversation came about the first time! Haha. Being a mentor of teen girls for the last 15 years has made me keenly aware of how early the conversations need to start and how badly the doors need to stay open!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.