The Cracks of My Soul … by Madi Cowell

When your heart wants to give up, God is still there.

When I am lost and afraid, You are my comforter.

I am not giving up.

Every time oxygen enters my lungs and I exhale, it is a sign that You are my provider.

Every day I choose to open my eyes once more, You are still there.

I will not forget that You are still here, and that You are still good.

I am learning to love myself each and every day;

even when I look into the mirror and I despise the person staring back at me.

I will let myself be loved.

I will not shove out the ones who want to love me,

no matter how badly I want to.

I will allow myself to feel love.

I will not allow my fickle and fleeting feelings to get the best of me,

causing isolation from those who care about me the most.

I will not play the victim, and I stand by that.

Jesus, I feel You in the wind.

I feel You in the depths of my soul.

You call out to my head and heart when all hell breaks loose within me,

and all around me.

I can feel Your burdened heart over the pain of mine.

I hear Your almost-silent-whispers in the dead of the night when I am completely and utterly alone.

I hear You cheer for me as You force my eyes open every morning.

With the absolute worst burning sensation of so many tears that had fallen the night before, You restore me.

In all aspects, You save me.

You have saved me from myself.

I will not buy into the lying heart of mine that tells me You have abandoned me.

My mind, it grabs ahold of me, and it tells me that I am toxic.

My brain is unworthy.

It is unable, but You make me able.

My heart reminds me of how I do not know how to receive love.

It reminds me of how I have scared away the ones I have loved the most.

But it is all different with You.

You tell me things that I pray one day I will feel.

You yearn for my spirit, and it is all Your’s.

You wait to fascinate me with Your son, with Your earth, and with the matchless love of others.

My brain fights against You, but I am no victim.

I will scream at my fears and depression until they run all the way back to hell.

I will fight the demons that rob me of the joy and satisfaction that others feel.

I will rise when I do not want to,

fight when I do not know how to,

sing when I have no words left to,

walk when I am unable to,

and remain standing until the King comes to tell me my time on earth is done.

Though the earth gives way beneath me, I feel You breathing within me.

The trees root themselves in the cracks of my soul,

and you make Your home within me.

This is simply because You are my home.

You are my eternal joy.



  1. Thank you for sharing your heart, Madi. I’m sure many of us can relate to your words. Blessings to you!

  2. Wendy G. Bronson says:

    Thank you so much Madi. That really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing yours. May God bless you today & always.

    1. Lynn Cowell says:

      Thank you so much, Wendy!

    1. Lynn Cowell says:

      Thank you for loving our family so much, Julie!

  3. Madi, thank you so much for encouraging me today . . . I am going to send this on to my 5 children. May God continue to make you strong in Him, and Him alone.

    1. Lynn Cowell says:

      Thank you so much, Dot! She is growing stronger every day and wants to encourage others on their journey as well!

  4. You have given a beautiful poem of praise and hope to me. I thought at first it was a Psalms that had been modified by your words. But then realized it was the heart-felt cry of a person reaching out the touch God’s Truth and integrate it into their life. The deep thoughts and needs expressed to our Lord gives me hope that I, too can make a home in my heart for the Lord.

  5. Beautiful Madi!
    Thank you!

  6. Madi, so many times I have said, as you write, “You are my home.”

    Oh, how this life provides so much unwanted tribulation.

    God is for us. Keep on!

  7. Cathy Jones says:

    This is me! How did you know exactly how I am feeling and what I need to hear right now? God is so good! If we are open, He will give us the exact message we need to hear. Thank you for sharing an echo of what’s in my heart.

  8. My goal as a Christian is to have a noticeably close relationship with Christ and to always shine the fruit of the spirit. I want to continue to grow in Christ and seek His will in my life. He has blessed me beyond anything I could have phathomed, and I know that because I am alive and really I shouldn’t be. I will put your book on my read list. Thank you for the beautiful devotion and poem today.

  9. This touched me so so deeply. I have children who can relate to this. Myself included. I struggle each and every day with self doubt and hate and loathing. THANK YOU for speaking what I think but can never find the words to say.

  10. Scrolling through the blog posts 1 1/2 years later and coming across this at a time when I’ve been more mentally and emotionally drained than ever before, and struggling to get my soul to bless the Lord, to line up with His Word.. I have to thank God for you and for your daughter.

    1. Lynn Cowell says:

      He’s always right on time, Jasmine!

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