When You Question God {Monday with Madi}

I would rather embrace what I have been given, than wait for change & stay stagnant.














I don’t know if I can go into too much detail about what has been occurring in my life, but let me try to explain the number one thing that has been pressed on my heart since I have gotten to college.

I had finally gotten out of high school, which were the worst years I had ever experienced. I figured that once I got out, entered a new environment, and ridded myself of unhealthy behaviors, I would be free. But sadly, I was not as correct as I thought. Although at college I felt better in certain aspects, other issues surfaced.

Maybe you could call this “optimism”, or being overly idealistic; thinking that everything will go perfectly, once I just rid myself of the problem. But sadly, this issue is not one of being overly positive. This battle, of learning to not run from our issues, but recognizing, and then embracing them, can be agonizing.

I have been so challenged lately, with so many “why?” questions. When I went to counseling in high school, I assumed that my depression was situational, and would soon fade once I got out of that place. Sadly I was wrong.

When I got to college, everything was perfect. I was away from relationships that had damaged me, my painful memories, and who I “used” to be. I was brand new, right? Now I was “perfect”, ready to be used by God and be the beautiful girl I was “supposed” to be all along.

But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I noticed about half way through my first semester, unresolved conflict, disruptive thoughts, extreme sadness, and lots of anxiety were still within me. Massive waves of sadness would come and then go and I would be fine again. Anxiety and pain edged their way back in my heart yet again. Sometimes, I don’t feel heavy at all. In fact, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I feel like I can accomplish anything, do everything. Then the depression hits again and I feel defeated, like I have to start my healing process all over again.

After a very hard conversation with my best friend, who by the way could not be more of a gift sent from God to me, she helped me realize how badly I needed to go back to counseling. I needed to start to be honest with myself. Who ACTUALLY wants to be so honest that it hurts? What about those thoughts that are so morbid or so embarrassing, you are afraid if you even spoke them you will be shamed and never looked at the same?

Sometimes we don’t want to do that, do we? We can be as honest with people, as honest as we want to be, but wouldn’t you say that even for the most vulnerable human being, there is that one question that can make you shut down? There is that one topic that when it gets brought up, it can make your heart drop to your stomach almost immediately? You stop dead in your tracks and it’s almost like your whole body cringes as your peer tries to ask you a deep question. That was me, sitting in my psychology class one day.

God spoke to me within that hour, about many topics we were touching on. He showed me how I had kicked so many of my hurts and struggles to the curb because of how badly I strive to be perfect. For some reason, I have always thought that would be when I am finally beautiful. Perfection suffocates me. I am always so focused on where I want to be, how internally healthy I want to be, how happy I would kill to be, and how much I want to please everyone, that I lose myself in it all. And time and time again I forget to even be concerned about my own well being.

For years, upon years, I have prayed for God to please take away these emotional and psychological things that I try to handle within me, and yet they don’t go away. Why is that? Aren’t we so scared sometimes to question God? We don’t want to be disappointed. And, we don’t want to ask ourselves the question: whether He chooses to heal me, or He doesn’t, will I still praise Him just the same? Will I still view Him the same, rejoice in His name all the same, and follow Him just the same?

We don’t like to ask those questions, because that requires trust to the highest degree, and if there is anything in my life that I wrestle with more than anything at all, it is trust. And yes, I have noticed that often shows up in my relationship with the Lord as well.

I can remember being 13 or 14, asking God to take away these painful thoughts and terrible feelings, and yet they have stayed. But, I have decided that I am not going to be too scared to ask why anymore. And I am not going to run from myself. I would rather start to embrace what I have been given, then wait for change and stay stagnant.

What is the question you’re too scared to ask God? Maybe you’re like me, and you have a type of internal disorder that you have to battle daily. Maybe your question is why did you allow my family to fall apart? Why won’t you heal my loved one? Why don’t I feel Your presence? Why does no one love me? Why can’t I love myself?

Whatever it is, do not be afraid to ask. Your doubt, lack of trust, pain, whatever it is, can and WILL bring you closer to the Lord, if you let it. What will stray you away, is yourself. It is hard to not shy away and hide when we are sad, confused, or ashamed. But we are the people He came for, the hurt people. Not the proud people. In John 16:33 He says, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” This verse is so bittersweet. We have the victory, but that never comes without a price. He has already paid the price for us, but we have to be willing to receive it in order to make any progress. We have to admit our brokenness and get vulnerable.





  1. This post really speaks to me, if only I had energy!

    I so wish I could get close to God, but the very thing I need to ask Him is the one thing preventing me because of a total lack of emotional energy, I am simply too tired! At the age of 64 I have accepted my Bipolar and when I feel good it is easy to draw close to God, but the moment the depression starts I shut down and the barriers come up. I am sometimes too tired to even pray and it is all I can do to keep functioning, more or less.

    1. Lynn Cowell says:

      Hi Magriet – thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably this morning.

      There is so much we don’t know – about God, about the human mind and body, about ourselves. I know Madi is young and it seems she has her whole life to figure all this out.

      One thing we are processing is how God will use many things together to bring about His best. Counselors. Scripture. Prayer. Workbooks. Lots and lots of support. I want to encourage you that even when you are tired of the battle, God is still close. For all of us, no matter what our trials are, He does not move even when our moods do. He is near, though He feels far away.

      When we don’t feel Him close, He is not mad at us or punishing us.

      I sometimes see my relationship with God as similar to my other relationships. There are days when I feel so very close to my husband, my kids, my friends. Other days, I feel so far away, like they don’t know me at all. But in those days, nothing has changed. I am still a wife, a mother, a friend. Likewise, no matter how I feel, I am still God’s daughter – His beloved. I have to find a way to allow His rest to come on me and in me on the days when I don’t feel “it”. And for some, those days are many.

      God, thank you that we are not alone. Thank you that one day we will see You face-to-face. We will be 100% whole, in our mind, body and spirits. Until that day, Lover of our’s, show us what living victoriously here on earth looks like. We have our ideas, but often they do not line up with Your’s. You are good, even when we don’t feel it. We love you so very much! Amen

    2. Dear Magriet,
      I appreciate your honesty so much. I think the one promising thing to remember is that the one you want to go to, made you. He knows all your highs and lows. He knows when you will be energetic and completely ready for Him, and other times when you will feel like you don’t even have enough energy to get out of bed in the morning.

      Sometimes we can be in the very presence of God and not even know it, because He is always here. Thankfully, our relationship with Him is a two way street. So, on those days when you just feel like you don’t have enough energy to press into Him, the most you can do is just be present and aware of Him. That is all He wants from us I believe, is just to acknowledge Him.

      I believe the very traits that make you energy-less, tired, or wired and ready, are all traits that He loves about you.
      – Madi

  2. Madi,

    How brave you are! I am 43 and have dealt with similar issues all of my life. But it took me until about four years ago to truly embrace God and let Him into my life in a whole new way. I, too strived for the perfection that you talked about but I have learned that I am imperfect because God is using me to help people in similar situations and that despite how weak these inner struggles make me feel, I am indeed a very strong person, just are you are. Because it takes strength to fight these battles and even more strength to admit it to others and to use it as a way to heal and to heal others in the process. Keep the faith and I will be praying for you!

  3. This spoke so much to me. It’s as if what was in my mind was being written down. I struggle with depression as well. Not as bad as one period in my life, but I have come to somwhat recognize it. Unfortunately not before I am able to prevent it. Yes I want to be perfect but I know perfection doesn’t exist. I want to do my best with everything but it doesn’t always work out that way. I woke up this morning questioning who I am. Is this really the life I am supposed to have? Where is the happiness, joy, love?

    And there are times I feel like Magriet….no energy. I need the fire I once had in my relationship with God. My sin distanced me and feeling like you always have to start over is sad. But I will press forward. There has to be more to life than feeling like this.

  4. Shasta,
    I think you’re so right. And there is more to life than the low feelings that stir up within us and can haunt us sometimes. I think God gives us glimpses of His beauty in even the smallest areas of our life to remind us that we are not alone. Knowing that you have once had such a beautiful and intimate relationship with Him is the very sign that there is hope to keep pushing forward.

    1. Thank you Madi. And thank you for your transparency. God Bless1

  5. Madi,
    I just want to thank you for being so honest and for hearing the voice of God as you write your words. I am a 64 year old grandma and your words resonate even with me. I wanted you to know that so that you may know you are helping girls and women of all ages! I too have suffered with some depression over the years as well as other women members of my family…and know absolutely without a doubt that God is the answer…and great friends and family! 🙂
    You have a gift from God and I will be praying for you as you grow and continue to share what God is teaching you.
    Bless your heart!

  6. Madi,

    Thank you for having the courage to open up about your struggles and your walk with the Lord.
    You are a gift and blessing far larger than you will probably ever know! You are reaching (and touching) hurting people from all different age groups and walks of life.
    Thank you for your heart, honesty and inner beauty that will never grow old with time…
    May God Bless and keep you always.

  7. Carly Trahan says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I am so broken by my husband divorcing me. I prayed and begged God to restore our marriage. Even though it wasnt restored I realize I must trust God for His will in both of our lives separately. This was an encouragement at just the right time.

  8. Madi, thank you for sharing! I’m sure it wasn’t easy to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You aren’t alone. I do hope you are able to fill your “toolbox” with many coping techniques to help you. Knowing God is there, even if you can’t see or feel Him, is a great comfort for me. I am 58 years old…and I’ve learned a lot of different ways of feeling/coping for those low days. My depression started in my teens after a series of traumatic events and significant losses. My newest learning is to be kind to myself. It took me a long, long time to learn that lesson! Sometimes I have “flashbacks” to those sad times. I really don’t want to go there – but I’m led back there to learn something new, a new insight, a new forgiveness, a new healing. God holds our hearts especially close during those times. God bless you and your ministry. May you be kind and loving to yourself as God is kind and loving to you.

  9. Amy Carroll says:

    Madi, I love your point that Jesus came for hurt people. As a reforming perfectionist, I’ve relalized that my own pursuit of perfection keeps me at arms length from my Savior who I truly need so much. The first step is admitting our hurt and need. Thanks for leading the way for us today!

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